I did it!!!!!
Hello blogging friends. It’s been awhile since I’ve checked in. I feel so guilty for not checking in more, but I’ve been so incredibly busy between the wedding, honeymoon, marathon training, working, and living. Everything is well with me.. just hit 16 months of sobriety a few days ago. I don’t even really check my app anymore, so when I pulled it up, I was surprised to see it. Yay!
The main reason I write today is actually to get feelings of nervousness, excitement, and dread over my upcoming marathon on Saturday. I’m going to be brutally honest here. I did NOT hit the training mileage goal for this race. I think my Hal Higdon Novice 1 plan came in at 480 miles for 18 weeks. I am still shy of 300 somehow. I found this out about a week or so ago when going through my app and adding up my numbers. It felt like a ton of bricks hit me when I saw this number. I am not prepared. I am not respecting the distance when I even CONSIDER doing this race. How is this possible?? I spent hours and hours running. I even hit a month that was 104 miles (which is a CRAP TON for me). I did ALL scheduled long runs. How am I missing over 100 miles??? I blame my wedding week and honeymoon week which happened to be back to back. I think I ran twice the week of the wedding, and these were tiny runs like 3 or 4 miles. To make it sound even worse, I ran a whopping ONE time while on my honeymoon. It was 4 miles. I didn’t even really think about it again while I was there. There was a small about of guilt beneath the surface but I made every excuse in the book. “it’s my honeymoon! I need to enjoy this!” and “I only have ONE honeymoon!”. The Sunday we got home from the honeymoon, I went out and ran 20 miles in 4:18. Slow? Yes. But I felt pretty darn good, especially after not really running over the last two weeks. Best part, I didn’t injure myself. I’m not bragging, but I’m just thankful that I made it through the run and felt healthy afterwards.
When I saw I hadn’t even come close to the training mileage numbers, I freaked. I had a full day of thinking “maybe I really shouldn’t do this” and tearing myself down. but when it came down to it, I decided that I am DETERMINED to do this race. I plan on staying SLOW SLOW SLOW the entire race. It is no longer about time, pace, or trying to beat anyone. Now, it’s about doing something that a very small percentage of people ever do. I will enjoy my surroundings, I will talk to other runners, I will laugh at people holding funny signs, and I will picture myself crossing that line. But I will also most likely struggle, and maybe even shed a few tears of pain, regret, and finally happiness, because when I cross that finish line, I will be a marathoner. Plain and Simple.
5 days left. This is it!
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, and I apologize! I am not a very good blogger. Seriously.
First and foremost, I’m almost 14 months sober. Honestly, it’s crazy to me. I would have never thought I would have made it this far, and even more amazing, is that I actually LIKE being sober. My drinking life seems so damn far away that I can’t even remember what it’s like anymore, which is a good thing. I do fine most of the time, and some days I still wonder how the hell I’m going to do this for the rest of my life, and question if I really want to GO the rest of my life. I know I do, but we all get a little weak around the edges sometimes, we just can’t allow ourselves to cave. Two weekends ago, my fiancé and I took a trip to the beach for the weekend. It was the first trip I’ve taken to Ocean City since I’d been sober, and I loved it. We laid on the beach all day, went swimming, walked the boardwalk, ate ice cream, and just enjoyed ourselves. I didn’t need to drink and I didn’t feel jealous of the folks that were. Anymore, drinking to me just seems like a cover-up for people who don’t really know how to have fun. I am just fine without alcohol.
In other news, I’m getting married in 46 days. I’m so lucky that there isn’t a ton of stress surrounding this. We are having such a small wedding that there really isn’t much to worry about. Hell, we didn’t even send out RSVP’s with our invitations. Come if you want, or don’t, we aren’t going to obsess over it. It’s a Friday afternoon in a park with no toasts, or dancing, or crazy stuff that most people do. We just aren’t those kind of people. I didn’t even have a bridal shower, or bachelorette party. I just don’t care about that kind of stuff. I care about marrying him, with my closest friends and family there. That’s all!
I’m also in the midst of Marathon training. I am the moron who decided that “training during the summer would be better than training in the winter!” and I really did have good reasons for it (more light, warmer temps, longer days) but DAMN!!! This weather has been INSANE. We just got over a streak of 7+ days that were over 90 degrees with most days OVER 50% humidity. This is really crappy weather for running 4 days a week. Not to mention that I went into marathon training with almost ZERO base because I didn’t run for 5 months when I was working a second job. Surprisingly though, I’ve been doing well with ramping up my miles. I’ve gotten up to 10 mile long runs just fine. However, right now I’m sick. I ran last Thursday and when I got home I felt like I was coming down with something, and I’m pretty sure it’s a chest cold or bronchitis. I’ve already missed 11 miles last week, and know I won’t be running tonight. *sigh* why does this always happen? Anyway, I’m going to walk 3 miles on the treadmill tonight just to get my legs moving and try to run on Wednesday. Also, somewhere in the next 10 days (sickness permitting) I’m going to try to replace those 11 miles. This is my first Marathon and I want to make sure I don’t’ miss a MILE of training. Things are getting pretty hairy around my wedding (like the 18 miler I was supposed to run the day before my wedding.. I HAD to move that) and I have lots of running to do on my honeymoon.. joy! But, a little over a month after I become a Mrs, I will be crossing the finish line of my very first marathon in Baltimore, MD! When I think about it, I get major stomach butterflies! I am so excited for this!!!
Just woke up and wanted to share. This picture was from the blues fest this weekend. It’s a true genuine smile. I had a blast. I had no concerns about drinking. This year was all I could have ever hoped for. Thank you to all those who follow my blog, and give me your wonderful wisdom. I need it! Here’s to another year!!!
Ya’ll are going to think I’m crazy, but tonight and tomorrow I’m attending the Western Maryland Blues Fest which happens right here in my own City!
Why am I crazy? Because I haven’t been sober at this event in 7 years. In fact! This is the place where I consumed my LAST alcoholic beverage almost ONE year ago (June 3rd). This is something I’ve been to every single year (except one) since It started 18 years ago. My mom’s boss is one of the founders and we go every single year. I used to look forward to it immensely because VIP section meant FREE beer/wine for several hours. I usually spent Saturday slamming wine or beer and being crazily social to all the people I knew. I rarely sat and listened to the music, which looking back now makes me really sad. I really do love the music.
Am I anxious? Sure. But I’m not going to let my sobriety get in the way of the fun I am going to have this weekend. One thing I’ve learned from being sober this last year, Is that I REALLY don’t need alcohol to have a good time. All it would do is make me act a fool, talk to people I would never normally talk to, dance like an idiot, and feel TERRIBLE the next day. Plus, I wouldn’t have memories, as I usually stop remembering things past a certain amount of alcohol. Last year, I had 18 cups of wine. I’m not sure how many bottles that added up too, but these were FULL cups (maybe 8oz cups). Why did I think this was FUN? And more importantly how much of that day do I remember? Not too much.
I am super proud of myself. And if I needed and encouragement, I’m going to be attending my dad’s ONE year AA celebration tonight before we head to the festival, and this will really help keep me grounded. But I do get a little nervous. There are tons of people that I’ve drank with years in and out. Will I STILL really have fun? Will I be as social? I really think the answer is yes. It’s just that my HABIT at this event was to drink. I really feel like this night will be good for me. It will be for me to watch this event from the sober persons eyes and see how different it is. I guess I just wanted to write here to tell you guys that. I’m 3 days from being one year sober and i’m damn proud of myself. I know this weekend will be a walk in the park.