It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back…..

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So shake him off……

I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and I think I’ve realized why the sudden urge to drink hit me again. I’m bored. I have nothing to do with my time. I haven’t run in 7 months. I was hit with morning sickness horribly for 16 weeks and running was the last thing I could think of doing at the time. At that point, I was nearly half way, and even just walking too fast gets me out of breath, and makes my stomach get all hard and irritated. Running was my stress relief, and even though towards the end of marathon training I loathed running, I’m now seeing that it really helps me and I NEED to run. I can’t start running now because I think it’d just be a disaster at this point. So, I will wait until after the baby is born, and then I will start again when I’m allowed to exercise. I’ve already got plans to do a spring half marathon in 2015 and then spend the next year conditioning and building my base for my second full marathon in 2016. I want to redeem myself with my 2nd marathon before we pursue having another child.

Another reason? The weather. We had snow on Thanksgiving last year, and it snowed yesterday.. it’s been snowing for MONTHS. The weather has been well below zero on many days and it’s just depressing me. With nothing else to focus on, for some reason it makes me think I miss drinking. I need warm days, sunshine, and a hobby and I think I will be fine again. It just seems right now I have no motivation to do anything. I used to love to read, but now I can’t even do that. I had a goal to read 14 books this year, and I’ve read one. I’ve got a bad habit of coming home and throwing myself down in front of the TV and playing with my cell phone and then going to bed. I need to snap out of this routine. I need a few nights where I dedicate myself to read and not even turn the TV on. Will I do this? I have no idea. I’m so sick of technology, yet I can’t pull myself away from it.

I hate Facebook. I really do. It’s just people posting articles, pinterest pins, and 90% of the time someone is complaining about something (sometimes I am guilty of this too). Most of these people aren’t really my friends… they are people that don’t invite me to do things, or even say “hi” to me in public most of the time, yet I hang on to them! There is too much information these days. I really want to take a step back, but I don’t know how. I feel even more like I can’t deactivate because of the baby coming in a few months. This is how everyone keeps up! I feel like I’m “keeping up” but I think Facebook is more muscle memory than anything at this point. I don’t get anything out of it anymore.

I’m just rambling at this point… sorry!

Brittany Zindel
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I’m Just Being Honest…

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Sorry for any triggers for my sober pals here, but I need to get this out on “paper”

I looked it up last night, and I’ve been sober for 21 and a half months. What a great accomplishment! But honestly, lately  it all seems like it’s for nothing, which I know deep down is completely ridiculous. I’m just going through a phase, I suppose. A phase where never drinking again seems completely unachievable, and not something I even want to try to do. There have even been times in the past couple weeks I’ve pretty much told myself that when this baby comes, I will drink a glass of wine again. I’ve lived 21 months of being the “girl who doesn’t drink” and at first it was liberating, and cool. Now, I just feel like I’ve put myself out of reach for any kind of friendship to develop. Everyone I know goes out for drinks, has some wine at summer cook outs, has something to drink while on vacation, and I don’t know why, but the feeling of “missing out” is creeping back into me. I keep telling myself about all the times I DIDN’T go nuts when drinking (which I was capable of) and how it had a lot to do with the group that I was drinking with. They were a little crazy and over the top. I know that I don’t need alcohol to fit in, but anymore, I don’t care. I miss the feeling of being part of something fun. Most of the time, I feel that my sobriety is just isolating and no longer cool or liberating. With the exception of two friends who have stuck by my side, most of friends (not the crazy drinking ones) but the normal ones who go out, and do normal things outside of bars don’t even contact me anymore. It’s like no one knows “what to do with me” because I no longer drink. I make everyone uncomfortable.

 On top of that, I feel like my sobriety is no longer just mine, but everyone’s with whom I shared. If I were to make the decision to drink again, I’d let so many people down, which honestly, I suppose is a good thing most of the time, but the rebellious part of me is pissed that if I even mention alcohol, my family says “No!!!!” like I’m a child. It’s okay for everyone else in my family to drink, and post pictures of beer on instagram, and go to beer festivals, but if I so much as mention it, I’m treated like a convict, and that really makes me angry. I am an adult, and any decision I make, is mine, and mine alone.

I was talking with my husband the other day about the actual REASON I decided not to drink and a lot of it was timing with what was happening with my father. He’s been an alcoholic almost his entire life, and the day before I stopped drinking he ended up in the hospital nearly dead from a 3 week binge. The same day, I drank a LOT of wine at a local music festival. I had fun. I didn’t do anything wrong, but when faced with my father the next day, I just felt that he couldn’t do it alone, and without the support of others. So I decided to just stop drinking for a while. I honestly didn’t even know how long it would last. I think I had some toleration issues because I was drinking several times a week on Paxil which warned me NOT to drink while taking it. I did  anyway, and I could drink way more than I should be able too. My friends were flabbergasted when I stopped drinking. They had no idea I had “a problem” and I had to explain to them that it was just something I wanted to do.. I never knew that it was something that I’d never be able to take back (and deep down, I’m not sure I want too.. it’s just a conflict right now)

 It started back around Halloween. The holidays always get me. I used to go to a lot of parties and go out a lot around this time of year. Christmas eve at my mom’s house everyone was drinking and having a good time, but I was already pregnant, so I knew that I would never give in at that point. Then came New year’s.. it’s just been tough. I think being pregnant is a lot of the reason for these feelings. I’ve always wanted children more than anything, and I am SO glad I will have a daughter in just a few months, but at the same time, maybe I’m subconsciously freaking out because my life is changing in a HUGE way. I have no idea what to expect, I have no idea how we will afford certain things, or how my marriage will change. Maybe it’s all the unknowns  that make me miss the “old days”, and something to cling too.

 What I do know is this… I do NOT miss being hangover, I do not miss the money spent on alcohol, or the feeling of shame or stupidity after doing or saying things I shouldn’t have said. I hate that fact that if I DID drink again, I’d spend my time feeling guilty. I’d be letting down my family, but most of all my Dad. He is the only other person who knows what this journey feels like, and I don’t want him to feel alone in it. I’d feel like an idiot because the tattoo I got for my sobriety would no longer mean a thing. It’d just be there to mock me at all times. I know that Sobriety is not easy. I’m learning that it will NEVER be as easy as we’d like to think. I’ve given my advice over and over again to those with lesser sobriety than me, and yet here I am, walking the line of uncertainty with my own sobriety at nearly two years sober. You can’t take it for granted. So I came back to wordpress, and my sober pals because I know you guys can lift me up as you always have, and not judge me for having a lapse in strength in this thing called Sobriety. I know that I might not affect people that I know in person, but I’ve gotten several comments on old blog posts and they made me so happy,that they are printed out on my refrigerator as a constant reminder that I made someone’s day, or inspired them to spend another day sober. I guess I just need more of that. I know when my daughter comes, I will be so happy and overjoyed that drinking will probably be the last thing on my mind, and maybe right now  my life is at an ebb and I have nothing to worry about so old fears and thoughts come creeping back.  I know that much.

So I think I need a project! I used to be SO into photography, but haven’t touched a camera in ages. Maybe I should start carrying my camera with me again! I also want to try to blog every day. I need it. It’s good for me, but I never make time for it.

 

 

 

 

Surprise!!!!

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I realize it’s been months since I’ve posted! I suck so hard at blogging. But– I’m pregnant!!! Almost 7 months and expecting a baby girl. I found out three days before my marathon back in October. Things have been pretty easy and I haven’t had any issues. I felt like I needed to come back here and get my head straight.

I’m still sober. 21 months I believe. But I’m struggling hard. I think about it all the time. I need to write a separate post for that, and I will. I would never drink while pregnant, and that’s my saving Grace right now.

Just wanted to get my followers (if I still have any) back into my loop!

Marathon Ready? Not quite…

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Hello blogging friends. It’s been awhile since I’ve checked in. I feel so guilty for not checking in more, but I’ve been so incredibly busy between the wedding, honeymoon, marathon training, working, and living. Everything is well with me.. just hit 16 months of sobriety a few days ago. I don’t even really check my app anymore, so when I pulled it up, I was surprised to see it. Yay!

The main reason I write today is actually to get feelings of nervousness, excitement, and dread over my upcoming marathon on Saturday. I’m going to be brutally honest here. I did NOT hit the  training mileage goal for this race. I think my Hal Higdon Novice 1 plan came in at 480 miles for 18 weeks. I am still shy of 300 somehow. I found this out about a week or so ago when going through my app and adding up my numbers. It felt like a ton of bricks hit me when I saw this number. I am not prepared. I am not respecting the distance when I even CONSIDER doing this race. How is this possible?? I spent hours and hours running. I even hit a month that was 104 miles (which is a CRAP TON for me). I did ALL scheduled long runs. How am I missing over 100 miles??? I blame my wedding week and honeymoon week which happened to be back to back. I think I ran twice the week of the wedding, and these were tiny runs like 3 or 4 miles.  To make it sound even worse, I ran a whopping ONE time while on my honeymoon. It was 4 miles. I didn’t even really think about it again while I was there. There was a small about of guilt beneath the surface but I made every excuse in the book. “it’s my honeymoon! I need to enjoy this!” and “I only have ONE honeymoon!”. The Sunday we got home from the honeymoon, I went out and ran 20 miles in 4:18. Slow? Yes. But I felt pretty darn good, especially after not really running over the last two weeks. Best part, I didn’t injure myself. I’m not bragging, but I’m just thankful that I made it through the run and felt healthy afterwards.

When I saw I hadn’t even come close to the training mileage numbers, I freaked. I had a full day of  thinking “maybe I really shouldn’t do this” and tearing myself down. but when it came down to it, I decided that I am DETERMINED to do this race. I plan on staying SLOW SLOW SLOW the entire race. It is no longer about time, pace, or trying to beat anyone. Now, it’s about doing something that a very small percentage of people ever do. I will enjoy my surroundings, I will talk to other runners, I will laugh at people holding funny signs, and I will picture myself crossing that line. But I will also most likely struggle, and maybe even shed a few tears of pain, regret, and finally happiness, because when I cross that finish line, I will be a marathoner. Plain and Simple.

5 days left. This is it!