Sorry for any triggers for my sober pals here, but I need to get this out on “paper”
I looked it up last night, and I’ve been sober for 21 and a half months. What a great accomplishment! But honestly, lately it all seems like it’s for nothing, which I know deep down is completely ridiculous. I’m just going through a phase, I suppose. A phase where never drinking again seems completely unachievable, and not something I even want to try to do. There have even been times in the past couple weeks I’ve pretty much told myself that when this baby comes, I will drink a glass of wine again. I’ve lived 21 months of being the “girl who doesn’t drink” and at first it was liberating, and cool. Now, I just feel like I’ve put myself out of reach for any kind of friendship to develop. Everyone I know goes out for drinks, has some wine at summer cook outs, has something to drink while on vacation, and I don’t know why, but the feeling of “missing out” is creeping back into me. I keep telling myself about all the times I DIDN’T go nuts when drinking (which I was capable of) and how it had a lot to do with the group that I was drinking with. They were a little crazy and over the top. I know that I don’t need alcohol to fit in, but anymore, I don’t care. I miss the feeling of being part of something fun. Most of the time, I feel that my sobriety is just isolating and no longer cool or liberating. With the exception of two friends who have stuck by my side, most of friends (not the crazy drinking ones) but the normal ones who go out, and do normal things outside of bars don’t even contact me anymore. It’s like no one knows “what to do with me” because I no longer drink. I make everyone uncomfortable.
On top of that, I feel like my sobriety is no longer just mine, but everyone’s with whom I shared. If I were to make the decision to drink again, I’d let so many people down, which honestly, I suppose is a good thing most of the time, but the rebellious part of me is pissed that if I even mention alcohol, my family says “No!!!!” like I’m a child. It’s okay for everyone else in my family to drink, and post pictures of beer on instagram, and go to beer festivals, but if I so much as mention it, I’m treated like a convict, and that really makes me angry. I am an adult, and any decision I make, is mine, and mine alone.
I was talking with my husband the other day about the actual REASON I decided not to drink and a lot of it was timing with what was happening with my father. He’s been an alcoholic almost his entire life, and the day before I stopped drinking he ended up in the hospital nearly dead from a 3 week binge. The same day, I drank a LOT of wine at a local music festival. I had fun. I didn’t do anything wrong, but when faced with my father the next day, I just felt that he couldn’t do it alone, and without the support of others. So I decided to just stop drinking for a while. I honestly didn’t even know how long it would last. I think I had some toleration issues because I was drinking several times a week on Paxil which warned me NOT to drink while taking it. I did anyway, and I could drink way more than I should be able too. My friends were flabbergasted when I stopped drinking. They had no idea I had “a problem” and I had to explain to them that it was just something I wanted to do.. I never knew that it was something that I’d never be able to take back (and deep down, I’m not sure I want too.. it’s just a conflict right now)
It started back around Halloween. The holidays always get me. I used to go to a lot of parties and go out a lot around this time of year. Christmas eve at my mom’s house everyone was drinking and having a good time, but I was already pregnant, so I knew that I would never give in at that point. Then came New year’s.. it’s just been tough. I think being pregnant is a lot of the reason for these feelings. I’ve always wanted children more than anything, and I am SO glad I will have a daughter in just a few months, but at the same time, maybe I’m subconsciously freaking out because my life is changing in a HUGE way. I have no idea what to expect, I have no idea how we will afford certain things, or how my marriage will change. Maybe it’s all the unknowns that make me miss the “old days”, and something to cling too.
What I do know is this… I do NOT miss being hangover, I do not miss the money spent on alcohol, or the feeling of shame or stupidity after doing or saying things I shouldn’t have said. I hate that fact that if I DID drink again, I’d spend my time feeling guilty. I’d be letting down my family, but most of all my Dad. He is the only other person who knows what this journey feels like, and I don’t want him to feel alone in it. I’d feel like an idiot because the tattoo I got for my sobriety would no longer mean a thing. It’d just be there to mock me at all times. I know that Sobriety is not easy. I’m learning that it will NEVER be as easy as we’d like to think. I’ve given my advice over and over again to those with lesser sobriety than me, and yet here I am, walking the line of uncertainty with my own sobriety at nearly two years sober. You can’t take it for granted. So I came back to wordpress, and my sober pals because I know you guys can lift me up as you always have, and not judge me for having a lapse in strength in this thing called Sobriety. I know that I might not affect people that I know in person, but I’ve gotten several comments on old blog posts and they made me so happy,that they are printed out on my refrigerator as a constant reminder that I made someone’s day, or inspired them to spend another day sober. I guess I just need more of that. I know when my daughter comes, I will be so happy and overjoyed that drinking will probably be the last thing on my mind, and maybe right now my life is at an ebb and I have nothing to worry about so old fears and thoughts come creeping back. I know that much.
So I think I need a project! I used to be SO into photography, but haven’t touched a camera in ages. Maybe I should start carrying my camera with me again! I also want to try to blog every day. I need it. It’s good for me, but I never make time for it.