Well guys, I’m struggling. I feel like I’m at a point that I need to make a Yes or No decision about whether or not I want to do this marathon. I’m not training like I want to do this marathon. I was supposed to run 30 miles last week, and I ran 8. I was sick most of the week, but I feel like I was capable of doing way more than I did. It’s hard to explain the lack of motivation, and even though I have absolutely nothing better to do, I can’t seem to drag myself out of the door to go get my running in. The funny thing is, once I’m out there I really enjoy it. I’ve always enjoyed running, obviously. I know though, that I can’t complete a marathon running 8 miles a week. I came up with a plan the last time I wrote here to do my 2 shorter runs during the week inside on the treadmill (until it gets lighter outside) and then my 2 longer runs on the weekend. It seems like 4 days a week should be pretty attainable, but I’m SO backlogged in miles that I’ve missed , I have to run 5 or 6 days a week to get to set amount of miles I should be running each month. I’m overwhelmed by running 5 or 6 times a week. So what do I do? I don’t run at all. I feel like I really shouldn’t be calling myself a runner. There are so many people I see on twitter and Dailymile running 70 miles a week. I don’t know how these people do it.
The thing I struggle with the most is running outside at night ALONE. I hate running on the treadmill. Not only do I run about 2 minutes slower per mile on the treadmill, it’s just plain boring, and I want to stop so much sooner. I’d love to run outside every night but I get scared to run alone. Am I being overly paranoid? Probably..but I don’t feel safer with a can of mace or pepper spray like a lot of people do. I’ll run all day alone when it’s light out, but as soon as the sun goes down it’s a different story for me. It’s funny, when people I knew saw that I would run 10 or 12 miles alone on the canal, they’d freak out. For some reason that doesn’t bother me, but running alone at night does. I know for a FACT that I run 10x more in the summer time because it’s light until 9 or so. This is a lot of the problem. I’m bored with the treadmill, but I don’t want to run outside alone in the dark after work.
\I have two options from here. Nix the marathon, or get my ass in gear and start properly training for this thing. I don’t want to just quit training. I really don’t. So I’ve got to get a move on. I need to find someone to run with, or stop being so afraid of running alone. I know that I can’t run 5 days a week on a treadmill.
My journey with Gluten free is coming along quite well. It’s amazing how only 8 or 9 days can make such a difference in the way that I feel. I’ve suffered no headaches, no nausea, no debilitating exhaustion and extreme fatigue. The biggest thing of all? NO JOINT PAIN! This is the first time in years and years that I haven’t had achy, throbbing joints. It’s absolutely amazing. I feel, well.. normal! For the first time in years, I can eat without being bloated and uncomfortable for hours after eating. I can only imagine how good I’m going to feel in a few months. While it’s been a trying and exhausting first week or so, I think eventually I will have it down pat and it will be a lot easier to live with this disease.
While that aspect of my life seems to be going well, I’m also letting go of one part of my life. My boyfriend and I have mutually decided to go our separate ways. As these decisions usually are, it was a hard decision to make, but in the end I truly do want him to be as happy as possible, and I’m not sure that was happening with me. This brings me to a standstill with running. I have no direction. I’ve run with another person for 10 months. I can’t even remember running alone, and how I did it. I think what a lot of people don’t understand is that I see NOTHING wrong in running alone, but I fear for my safety. I’m not really a fan of running in the dark by myself. I could arm myself with pepper spray, and all that stuff but it’s not the same as running with another person. I don’t live in a neighborhood. I live on a rural road that’s highly travelled by eighteen wheelers and cars getting off interstate 81, not a mile down the road. It’s not really a safe road to be running on. I’m thinking about running 2 of my 4 runs during the week on my treadmill at home, and running my 2 longer runs on the weekends when it’s light out. As it becomes lighter outside, I will re-align my schedule. What else can I do? Which leads me to my 3 races already scheduled this year. I suppose I will do them. I’ve already paid for them. I have a half on 3/10 and 3/17. The Rock and roll half on 3/17 is in DC. I had planned on staying in DC with friends, but that is no longer an option, so now I wonder what I’ll do. I can’t navigate through DC alone. I hope I can con a map friendly pal to come along with me and stand for about 2 hours and 15 minutes while I run. That sounds fun, right? *sigh*
As far as the marathon, I don’t even want to think about it. I thought I’d be going through training and this race with someone, and now I’m not. My parents will be on vacation so they will not be there (same as my first half), I have no one to run with, and probably no sane friends that will wait around for 5 hours while I run a marathon. I have many lovely friends on Twitter giving me all kinds of good advice “the finish line is waiting” and “do it for yourself” and many other things I appreciate, but honestly, I’m saddened that my greatest accomplishment in running will not be witnessed by anyone. Sometimes, the only thing pushing ME on in a race is knowing that someone is waiting on me at the end. My step brother came to my first Half marathon to cheer me on. I honestly don’t know if I would have completed it had I had no one there to greet me when I’m done. Maybe I’m weak.. who knows. It’s not that I’m doing it for the other person, but it’s just nice to have someone cheering you on and yelling your name as you hurl yourself across that finish line. I will always be thankful my step brother was there for me, and I’ll never forget it. So this will be a journey inside of a journey. I really want this marathon. I want it more than I’ve wanted a lot of things. If I get to the starting line, than I’ve already won half the battle…training.