Tag Archives: quitting

Still Sober, and incredibly thankful.

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The “incident” with the alcohol was 21 days ago tomorrow.

I have not drank anything else since then.

Everything weighed heavily on me for the first few days. I felt like I was lying because I didn’t immediately tell everyone that I had a few sips of alcohol, and the guilt was at an all-time high. A few people wished me a happy “Four years sober!” on Facebook to which I only liked the posts, and stayed quiet. I didn’t do my big sappy post about being sober like I normally do, because I felt like a big fat liar. A big, fat, guilty LIAR.

I’ve been taking in all the feelings and trying to determine why I really think I want to drink again. I can’t come up with much other than what I’ve said here. That I just “want to” and I’ve decided for now that that’s just really not enough to warrant throwing four years of sobriety away. I’ve done FINE this far, and I’ve managed to be fine in social situations. I keep thinking “will alcohol really make this more FUN?” Probably not. I think above EVERYTHING else, I don’t want to be the person who thinks I can go back to drinking, who had everything together for herself, and is now “that girl” again. How fucking pathetic would that be?

I won’t even lie and say that I did buy wine. Little portioned bottles.  We were moving. I thought “maybe I’ll have some on the patio after a long hot day” and  I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I looked at them and felt.. well, I’m not even sure the emotion I felt (probably guilt, and anxiety) but I just couldn’t bring myself to open that bottle. So there they sit. I think I will tell my husband he can help himself, or I will likely get rid of them.

I am currently doing a Whole30 which I will likely extend, and guess what ? No alcohol allowed! I am lock tight with rules on the Whole30, and do not plan on quitting so I have at the very least until Mid-July to think deeper and further about my real motives to drink again. I told myself after this “incident” that if I made it another 3 months and didn’t drink again, I’d still count myself 4+ years sober.. I think I’m realizing that I LIKE the sound of “4+ years” and that It means more to me than being “that girl” at a party.

I’ve also been under a lot of stress, and haven’t thought “well, I should drink that wine to help out!” because that was always my MO before. Alcohol kept me from “dealing” with things. Another positive affirmation that I’m more on top of this than I actually think that I am.

I am GLAD I didn’t drink again. I am glad that after a few sips at that party, I was smart enough to know I needed to stop and think about what I was doing.

Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my last post without passing judgment. Your comments alone may very well have been what tipped the scale and kept me thinking instead of acting out and not being able to take it back.

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Picking the lesser of two evils..My Decision.

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I feel like this has been coming to a head for a few months now. As the weather has gotten warmer, its actually brought light to the fact that I’m very much struggling in my daily life right now. I’m juggling way to much. I’ve got a full time job, and part time job, I’m planning a wedding, soon to be starting half marathon training, and just came off of Paxil about a month ago. I feel robbed of my life. I started my part time job back in November to pay off debt that I felt I would never get paid off unless I got a secondary income. My debt started at $5,000 and that felt unreasonable, and impossible to pay off. The first month or so wasn’t so bad. I was proud of myself for getting out there and doing what needed to be done. I ignored the fact that I had completely stopped running, which is a necessary outlet for me. Jump forward a couple more months and I’m getting more and more frustrated that I’m working every weekend, and don’t get to be a part of the little amount of social life that I’m still clinging to. I’m starting to resent this job. I try to start running again and i’m back to where I started a few years ago. My pace sucks, my legs hurt, and I feel plain out of shape. I weigh more than I have in years. This part time job is wearing me down so incredibly fast. I’ve worked at this same place three other times in my life and I don’t remember it being this hard.

My fiance and I don’t get to see nearly as much of each other as we’d like. It usually goes like this. I get up  and go to job number one, and then come home, eat dinner, and leave for job number two. He’s in bed hours before I get home. On the alternative, when I don’t work, it’s constant errand running. We’ve got to go get groceries, or do laundry, or try to run or get in some sort of exercise. By the time we get home, he has to go right to bed. He commutes and has to get up at 4am. So, I spend the rest of my evening on the couch, dreading going to bed because I don’t want to start the horrible loop over again the next day. It’s really rather depressing to me. I never realized how much spare time I had before taking on a second job.

The next thing that is eating away at me… Summer. If I stay at the part time job long enough to pay my debt down to zero, I could quit right before the wedding in September. The thought of spending warm sunny days staring at my watch doing mental math to figure how many hours I have left before I have to go to work, makes me want to cry. I want to be able to enjoy my weekends and be carefree. I also want to go on day trips, and go visit places in the summer. At the moment, any time I want to do anything I need to know weeks in advance, and HOPE that I can get the day off work. And Holidays? Forget it. I just worked 8 days in a row leading up to Memorial Day. I worked forty hours at my full time job and then my part time job worked me Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday night. All weekend plans had to be cut short, because I had to go to work. This makes me upset. Really upset.

I really want to be more active, but i’m plain ass TIRED when I have free time. I just want to sit on my couch and do nothing on the days that I don’t need to be anywhere. This isn’t me. I like to always be out and doing something. Maybe i’m depressed. I know coming off paxil has SOME part in my being a stressed out, maxed out, emotional freak, but it’s not ALL of what’s going on. I took my time coming off, and from what i’ve read anxiety and depression often rebound when coming off. I try to keep this in my mind and remember that it’s just my brain coming back to normal.

And the biggest concern of all. Alcohol. I swear it must be the stress. I just keep thinking about how nice it would be to have a drink. I know this is ludicrous. I know this will not help A THING, but this is how I’ve always coped and my body is freaking the fuck out right now. I’m dead tired, over worked, under stimulated, and underestimated. I’M IN OVER MY HEAD. the only thing that makes sense here is to pick the lesser of two evils. Quit the job, or be absolutely miserable and stressed out for the entire summer. I will NOT sacrifice my sobriety, relationship, or running (any longer). I will live this life ONLY once and I need to make the best out of it. I need to focus on being a happier person and right now, I’m just not. I count down days until i’m free from my job, so tonight I cut the cords holding me to the ground.

I discussed with my fiance about putting my two weeks in at my part time job, and soon. He’s tired of seeing me stressed, and upset all the time. So he agreed that I should get out while I can (and before summer is gone) and we will work on getting my remaining balance paid off by budgeting better and stop making so many impulse buys. I can do this without killing myself. After all, I only have $1300 left of debt. That DOES feel manageable to me.

So I wrote a note and gave it to my manager at the Part time job tonight. I was so nervous. I don’t really know why. He said he completely understood and it was great that I got the job to pay off debt, and he knew how hard it was working two jobs. I instantly feel lighter, happier. While I do have some sort of guilt for quitting, I can’t wait to get my life back. I can’t wait to not dread getting up every day.  He said “why don’t you just work next week, because that schedule is already made?”  So there we go. This is it.

I had to make this decision. My quality of life was severely suffering. I think I made a HUGE impact over the 6 months working here. I got my debt down to an amount that I feel like I’ll be able to handle, and that was the whole goal here. I think i’ll be alright…….

 

Sobriety Milestone — Straight ahead!!!

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Hello Blogging Friends,

Felt it was time for another check in!

First of all, I’m 311 days sober today. I was thinking about it the other day, and I’m mind blown that in less than 55 days, I have not had a drop of alcohol in ONE YEAR. To be completely honest, the year didn’t seem to drag on as I thought it would. It went by rather fast and I have enjoyed this year immensely. I made my first trip to Philadelphia with my now fiancé to see a baseball game, and to visit family. We went in, and were around many bars and I was just fine. I also went to my first Orioles game when I was less than one month sober. I remember finding it really hard being there surrounded by natty boh guzzling fans, but I made it out PROUD that I’d remember this game for a long time. I had my first sober birthday, wedding (as a guest), family vacation, Halloween (big drinking thing for me in the past), thanksgiving, Christmas, NEW YEARS, and St. Patrick’s day! Instead of being hung over, I’ve spent my weekends, running, walking, swimming, antiquing, hanging out with friends, baking, playing with my nephew, visiting new places, working to pay off debt, planning a wedding, running half marathons, and just LIVING! I’m not planning my life around going to the bar, having enough money to go drinking, and making an ass out of myself. It is really the best feeling in the world.

It’s funny though, because every once in awhile I think “man, a glass of wine would be nice” but I’ve realized these thoughts are just going to happen. They come just like “man, I’d really like to be off work today” and pass before I can really put more thought into them. I treat it like my Celiac. I’d love to eat a BIG FAT DONUT, but I can’t. It’s that simple. I bask in the moment for a few seconds remember what a fresh, warm donut tastes like, and then treat myself with a dose of Reality! I then remember how HORRIBLE, and SICK I’d feel after eating it.  The 3 minutes of tasting the donut is not worth the 4 days of utter sickness I will feel. Alcohol is exactly the same way for me. A glass of wine would taste nice, but it wouldn’t just be A glass of wine. It’d be several.. and we all know where it goes from there. I’m better off without it, just like that fattening ol’ donut. When you can attack your “craving” this way, it’s just so easy to stay sober. I can’t have it. That’s it. No more discussion. If anyone is curious, this is how I’ve made it to be 311 days sober. By just telling myself NO and moving on.

With the warmer weather moving in, I am so excited about the good things coming my way this spring/summer. I’ve got so many things planned and I couldn’t be happier. Alcohol is the least of my worries…I’ve got memories to make (and remember!)

My busy weekend.

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Friday night I got off work and was feeling restless. My nephew who normally keeps me occupied was not coming into town this weekend. I thought about how much I missed going to the bar, not to drink, but the social aspect of running into a bunch of people that I know. I hadn’t done anything in 70 days. So I told my boyfriend that I wanted to go out to my favorite local bar. He looked at me, and I quickly explained that I didn’t want to drink, but I wanted in on the social parts of going out. After all, I am only 25. So I texted a few friends, and we set it up. I knew going into it, that drinking wasn’t an option, so I really didn’t struggle when we got there. I walked right past the bar to the outside seating where I found my friends. My boyfriend got me a ginger ale and a water. One of my other friends said he was doing the sober thing too, and drank water as well. Let me just say, I had a lovely time!! I got to see my friends, be in a social setting, and didn’t feel the need to drink alcohol. At all. It was kind of surprising. I enjoyed people watching, and observing all the drunkards make asses out of themselves. I laughed, made jokes, and was much more social than I thought I was capable of being without alcohol in my system. I really did have SO much fun. I feel that I needed to do something like this. I’m certainly not going to make a habit out of going to the bar every single weekend to just hang out, but I also know that if the feeling ever strikes to be social, I am able to do it, and actually have fun! It’s only awkward if you let it be awkward!

 I was able to wake up on Saturday morning bright and early to head out shopping with my mom and not be sick, or hungover. Plus, when I woke up on Saturday, I was at 70 days sober! Saturday night, I went bowling with another couple that we are friends with. I found out that our friend hadn’t drank in almost 2 months! So this weekend, I found out that 2 of MY friends, were also working at sobriety. I had no idea! It’s  nice to know that I’m not in this alone, and other people my age are not drinking. It was a huge relief to find this out and be around them. Yesterday my boyfriend and I went to the College Park IKEA and went shopping. We got all kinds of new stuff for our living room. It was a wonderful weekend!!

Why I Drank….

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Hello all.

Been doing a lot of thinking about my drinking, and I think I’m finally realizing some of the reasons I drank. While I pretended it was because I was going out having a good time with friends, it was more than that. It was a lot of things. I’ve always had a problem with the fact that I’ve never done anything with my life. In high school, I had no desire to go to college. I was so ‘punk rock’ back then that I had no interest. Now, I’m in a job that I really have no interest in, wishing I would have seen it another way back then. I’m living paycheck to paycheck. I have a couple thousand dollars of debt that I have been paying on FOR YEARS. I feel like it will never go away. I’ve got a slew of different medical bills that I’ve been paying on for over a year now, and I’ve barely made a dent. I drank to hide from these things, to take my mind off of the ever growing hole that I dug for myself. Everyone suggests ‘go back to school!’ and I can’t. It’s just not that simple. I live on my own ( my boyfriend moved in a month or so ago) and I have a new car, and plenty of bills. There is just no money for school. All of my friends were successful. Nurses, lawyers, commissioners, police officers, real estate agents, teachers, and some even ran their own companies, and where am I ? Nowhere.

 Drinking made me feel ‘cool’, like I had all these friends. We got drunk together, laughed, sang, acted ridiculous. I was not ‘cool’ in high school. I had a very very small group of friends. I was the weird girl with dyed hair and black glasses and no one really said hi or talked to me that much. So when I saw how much of a social butterfly I became when I started drinking, the attention itself was addicting. People who never even looked at me in school were suddenly my drinking pals, and inviting me over to parties. Looking back, most of the time it ended up with “bring me over a 12 pack” and then they never paid me back, or I was just a ride back and forth and was ditched once we got to the bar. So I drank to wash away the feelings that I felt back in high school. The lonely, never going to be cool feelings that I wanted so desperately. All that got me was “bar friends.” The people who only want to go to a bar with you, and half way through the night don’t even know you are there anymore, who when you ask to make regular plans with, they can never seem to find the time. So I drank to felt Liked.

Because of my low self-esteem, drinking made me feel better about myself. I’d dress up, drink, and talk to people I’d never have even looked at if I  had been sober. All I got from that was getting tied up in “flings” with people who never even really liked me.  I was something to kill time perhaps, or even to make them feel better about themselves. These were the guys that would only talk to me in the bar, or when they were drunk. During daytime hours, I  fell off the face of the earth. I drank to not care. I knew I was nothing to these people, but I was drunk. I was only in the moment, and that’s all I wanted. I wanted to feel liked, or cared about. Once I realized that wasn’t true, well I was back to square one.

 So I drank for a lot of reasons. Reasons that are still present even without alcohol to mask them. This is the hard part of recovery. I must confront and deal with these feelings in a healthy way. It’s hard, really hard. I think of all the times I drank because I was stressed, mad, depressed, unhappy, and it all seems so obvious now. I didn’t want to deal with life. It’s scary having to do it now, but I’ll be a much better person for it in the long run. 

I’m so thankful to have met my boyfriend. For the first time in my life, I’ve wanted to be a better person, and I’m sure it has a lot to do with him. He’s patient, and loving, and just something I’ve never had before. I realized my drinking could interfere as it’s done in the past, and I don’t even want to risk it. This is something I’m not willing to lose. =)

Feeling in Philly…..

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We got back from Philadelphia last night around 9pm. The ride home took about 4 hours. I had such a wonderful time. We stayed in a great part of town, and walked the street all day Saturday, while stopping in cute little pubs and eating wonderful meals. I proved to myself this weekend, that pure fun can be had without one drop of alcohol in my system. I was able to go into bars and enjoy the day with my boyfriend, without even the slightest craving for a drink. Sometimes, I even feel like this is too easy. The cravings are going away with time, as I see that I’m still having a great time without being drunk. While in a cute little Irish Pub called Moriarty’s we were seated next to two older ladies from England. They were so sweet. We talked to them the entire time we were there. It was so neat to talk to them, and hear their stories. No alcohol was needed to feel confident, and or social, and it was something I’ll be really glad to remember years from now. It really showed me a lot about myself, that I didn’t know. I just started talking to them, no shyness or awkwardness.  I really think my chronic shyness is one of the culprits for why I drank. I didn’t know how to be sociable, and thus the drinking.

Later that evening, we sat out at a sidewalk table at a place called “Irish pub” Next to us was a table of people who said they’d been drinking for the past 4 hours. They were very loud, and sort of obnoxious. I was so glad that it was not ME making an ass out of myself. It also showed being drunk in the other light to me. While they were humorous and not really causing any harm, I was glad when they left. After that, we caught a cab to my boyfriend’s cousin’s neighborhood for dinner. It was a wonderful Mexican place. The food was excellent. Everyone except me drank, and I even told my story and to my surprise, I got a lot of praise for quitting. I felt very good that night. I felt strong in my decision to stop drinking. Sunday we went to the Phillies game. It was a great time, and they won!! All in all, I had a wonderful weekend!! So proud of myself, and taking each day one at a time. 51 days and counting…..

Aside

I guess I had a semi rough weekend. I’ve realized that I do keep “romanticizing” my relationship with alcohol. I don’t know why I associate drinking with good times. It’s a waste of money, an abundance of calories, and a wealth of stupid decisions that ends in me feeling remorseful and shitty. I really do try to stay in the here and now. I try not to think too far into the future, because it can be really hard to look at it that way. It’s hard to think “I’m never going to drink alcohol again ever”. It’s hard to swallow. I can sit here and think of all the good things that stop from abstaining from alcohol, yet, I still think I’m missing out on something. I still have a lot of growing to do as a person without alcohol making decisions for me.

I’m trying to think of anything GOOD that ever came out of drinking. I did meet a couple friends WHILE drinking and they became very important people. Other than that, I can think of nothing. While the list of BAD things is seemingly endless: spent lots of money, gained weight, ate food I shouldn’t, drunk driving, made really poor decisions, smoked cigarettes even though I hate them, fought with friends, got involved in things that I shouldn’t have, and so on. Why do I even give it another thought? True thoughts of alcoholics, right? Anyway, this weekend my boyfriend and I are travelling to Philadelphia for a baseball game. We are staying Saturday night. I plan on seeing some of the touristy parts of Philly and having a great time without alcohol! I know I can do it. Day 44 today!

I guess I had a…