Still Sober, and incredibly thankful.

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The “incident” with the alcohol was 21 days ago tomorrow.

I have not drank anything else since then.

Everything weighed heavily on me for the first few days. I felt like I was lying because I didn’t immediately tell everyone that I had a few sips of alcohol, and the guilt was at an all-time high. A few people wished me a happy “Four years sober!” on Facebook to which I only liked the posts, and stayed quiet. I didn’t do my big sappy post about being sober like I normally do, because I felt like a big fat liar. A big, fat, guilty LIAR.

I’ve been taking in all the feelings and trying to determine why I really think I want to drink again. I can’t come up with much other than what I’ve said here. That I just “want to” and I’ve decided for now that that’s just really not enough to warrant throwing four years of sobriety away. I’ve done FINE this far, and I’ve managed to be fine in social situations. I keep thinking “will alcohol really make this more FUN?” Probably not. I think above EVERYTHING else, I don’t want to be the person who thinks I can go back to drinking, who had everything together for herself, and is now “that girl” again. How fucking pathetic would that be?

I won’t even lie and say that I did buy wine. Little portioned bottles.  We were moving. I thought “maybe I’ll have some on the patio after a long hot day” and  I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I looked at them and felt.. well, I’m not even sure the emotion I felt (probably guilt, and anxiety) but I just couldn’t bring myself to open that bottle. So there they sit. I think I will tell my husband he can help himself, or I will likely get rid of them.

I am currently doing a Whole30 which I will likely extend, and guess what ? No alcohol allowed! I am lock tight with rules on the Whole30, and do not plan on quitting so I have at the very least until Mid-July to think deeper and further about my real motives to drink again. I told myself after this “incident” that if I made it another 3 months and didn’t drink again, I’d still count myself 4+ years sober.. I think I’m realizing that I LIKE the sound of “4+ years” and that It means more to me than being “that girl” at a party.

I’ve also been under a lot of stress, and haven’t thought “well, I should drink that wine to help out!” because that was always my MO before. Alcohol kept me from “dealing” with things. Another positive affirmation that I’m more on top of this than I actually think that I am.

I am GLAD I didn’t drink again. I am glad that after a few sips at that party, I was smart enough to know I needed to stop and think about what I was doing.

Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my last post without passing judgment. Your comments alone may very well have been what tipped the scale and kept me thinking instead of acting out and not being able to take it back.

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2 responses »

  1. These are powerful posts. I just love the rawness and transparency you bring to the page. No matter where I find myself in recovery, I ALWAYS find myself questioning. I love all the dangling questions and the search for all the hidden (or not so hidden) answers. Wherever you are, I hope you’ve some peace about the beauty that is You.

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