It was yesterday! Woohoo!
I can’t believe I’ve made it. 1,000 days. It sounds like a long time. I honestly barely think about alcohol or drinking any more. I can’t even remember what that part of my life was like. What I can tell you, is that it wasn’t as good as it seemed. Being a mom is so much more important to me. That girl is my life!
I’ve been sober for almost 2.5 years now. 900 days tomorrow. Most of the time I do really well, and other days, I long for a drink I know I can’t have.
My daughter was born at the end of June and I’ve been extremely busy since then. I haven’t even really had time to think about anything other than being a Mommy to this amazing little girl.
I get these thoughts some days that “maybe I can drink again” and “maybe things would be different this time” and for the most part I ride the feelings like a wave, remembering and romanticizing alcohol at the crest, and by the time my wave gets to the shore, I jump off and run to the sand, remembering that “nope. Can’t do it”
This past weekend, while at a friend’s house, we were cooking a nice meal for Friendsgiving. We were all having a great time, laughing and being silly. Somehow, a conversation started about a time we all went out before I quit drinking. We were laughing about dumb stuff I said, and did. What shocked me was hearing that I vomited SEVERAL times in the bar bathroom like it was no big deal (I have a HORRIBLE vomit phobia) and came out and continued partying with everyone. I said to my friends “No. That didn’t happen!” and they assured me that “yes, it did”. I would sit for a minute, and repeat it, and they would assure me. I even said “Did anyone actually SEE me get sick?” and my friend said that she was in there with me. Wow…. It came like a punch to the gut. I must have completely blacked out, and forgotten this ever happened. I don’t even think I knew then that it was happening. It’s amazing what alcohol can do to your mind. It was just the reminder that I needed to assure that I’m working through my sobriety for a REASON.
Sometimes I feel like I’m floating along in sobriety just because I’ve already made it this far, and not because it’s for an actual reason. Sometimes I feel like my “number” is just that, and the only thing keeping me going is starting over at zero would be a real bummer. However, it occurred to me after this, THIS IS FOR SOMETHING. I have a daughter, and a husband and these things are not worth losing. I know that if I were still drinking, I probably wouldn’t have either of these things.
So, I’m thankful for that reminder. As hard as it was to hear, it was exactly WHAT I needed to hear.
It’s been awhile. My daughter Harper Grace was born June 23rd at 6:53pm! It was a long labor that ended in an unplanned c section and then a spinal headache absolutely ruined my first week of being a parent. It’s truly scarred me a bit and I find myself questioning if I ever want to go through labor again. Anyway. Just wanted to check in! Still sober! 26 months and counting. :)
So shake him off……
I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and I think I’ve realized why the sudden urge to drink hit me again. I’m bored. I have nothing to do with my time. I haven’t run in 7 months. I was hit with morning sickness horribly for 16 weeks and running was the last thing I could think of doing at the time. At that point, I was nearly half way, and even just walking too fast gets me out of breath, and makes my stomach get all hard and irritated. Running was my stress relief, and even though towards the end of marathon training I loathed running, I’m now seeing that it really helps me and I NEED to run. I can’t start running now because I think it’d just be a disaster at this point. So, I will wait until after the baby is born, and then I will start again when I’m allowed to exercise. I’ve already got plans to do a spring half marathon in 2015 and then spend the next year conditioning and building my base for my second full marathon in 2016. I want to redeem myself with my 2nd marathon before we pursue having another child.
Another reason? The weather. We had snow on Thanksgiving last year, and it snowed yesterday.. it’s been snowing for MONTHS. The weather has been well below zero on many days and it’s just depressing me. With nothing else to focus on, for some reason it makes me think I miss drinking. I need warm days, sunshine, and a hobby and I think I will be fine again. It just seems right now I have no motivation to do anything. I used to love to read, but now I can’t even do that. I had a goal to read 14 books this year, and I’ve read one. I’ve got a bad habit of coming home and throwing myself down in front of the TV and playing with my cell phone and then going to bed. I need to snap out of this routine. I need a few nights where I dedicate myself to read and not even turn the TV on. Will I do this? I have no idea. I’m so sick of technology, yet I can’t pull myself away from it.
I hate Facebook. I really do. It’s just people posting articles, pinterest pins, and 90% of the time someone is complaining about something (sometimes I am guilty of this too). Most of these people aren’t really my friends… they are people that don’t invite me to do things, or even say “hi” to me in public most of the time, yet I hang on to them! There is too much information these days. I really want to take a step back, but I don’t know how. I feel even more like I can’t deactivate because of the baby coming in a few months. This is how everyone keeps up! I feel like I’m “keeping up” but I think Facebook is more muscle memory than anything at this point. I don’t get anything out of it anymore.
I’m just rambling at this point… sorry!
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