Still Sober, and incredibly thankful.

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The “incident” with the alcohol was 21 days ago tomorrow.

I have not drank anything else since then.

Everything weighed heavily on me for the first few days. I felt like I was lying because I didn’t immediately tell everyone that I had a few sips of alcohol, and the guilt was at an all-time high. A few people wished me a happy “Four years sober!” on Facebook to which I only liked the posts, and stayed quiet. I didn’t do my big sappy post about being sober like I normally do, because I felt like a big fat liar. A big, fat, guilty LIAR.

I’ve been taking in all the feelings and trying to determine why I really think I want to drink again. I can’t come up with much other than what I’ve said here. That I just “want to” and I’ve decided for now that that’s just really not enough to warrant throwing four years of sobriety away. I’ve done FINE this far, and I’ve managed to be fine in social situations. I keep thinking “will alcohol really make this more FUN?” Probably not. I think above EVERYTHING else, I don’t want to be the person who thinks I can go back to drinking, who had everything together for herself, and is now “that girl” again. How fucking pathetic would that be?

I won’t even lie and say that I did buy wine. Little portioned bottles.  We were moving. I thought “maybe I’ll have some on the patio after a long hot day” and  I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I looked at them and felt.. well, I’m not even sure the emotion I felt (probably guilt, and anxiety) but I just couldn’t bring myself to open that bottle. So there they sit. I think I will tell my husband he can help himself, or I will likely get rid of them.

I am currently doing a Whole30 which I will likely extend, and guess what ? No alcohol allowed! I am lock tight with rules on the Whole30, and do not plan on quitting so I have at the very least until Mid-July to think deeper and further about my real motives to drink again. I told myself after this “incident” that if I made it another 3 months and didn’t drink again, I’d still count myself 4+ years sober.. I think I’m realizing that I LIKE the sound of “4+ years” and that It means more to me than being “that girl” at a party.

I’ve also been under a lot of stress, and haven’t thought “well, I should drink that wine to help out!” because that was always my MO before. Alcohol kept me from “dealing” with things. Another positive affirmation that I’m more on top of this than I actually think that I am.

I am GLAD I didn’t drink again. I am glad that after a few sips at that party, I was smart enough to know I needed to stop and think about what I was doing.

Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my last post without passing judgment. Your comments alone may very well have been what tipped the scale and kept me thinking instead of acting out and not being able to take it back.

Is this it? Was that a Relapse?

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**There may be TRIGGERS in this post for my sober followers, so if you don’t want to read about alcohol consumption after sobriety, you may want to stop now.**

On Friday I will be 4 years sober. FOUR YEARS.

Or will I? Can I even say that considering I had about 4oz of Tequila Rose this weekend?

I’ve been struggling so hard these last few months (really at least a year and a half) on feeling like I don’t want to do this anymore. I am not even sure I can put it into words without it sounding like horrible rationalizing, but because I want to be real and I really need to get it off my damn chest, I’m going to try.

So.. Sunday. Let’s start here.

I was at a party. It was pretty low key. No one pushing alcohol, but I knew only 2-3 people out of about 50. There wasn’t really anyone who knows I’m sober. We were having a great time, and my friend was discussing her drink. I’m not even sure how it happened, but she asked if I wanted to try it. I considered it for a second, and said “Sure” and just like that, I took a tiny sip of alcohol and went back to staring at the fire. My heart was pounding, and my thoughts were running wild. I waited for the world to stop and crash in on itself, or someone to come and smack me or something, but nothing happened. The world kept on spinning. I don’t blame my new friend. She didn’t know me back when I made this choice, and honestly, it’s not a thing I discuss that much anymore because it’s never come up ((we usually hang out with our kids).. It was a harmless question to her I could have said no.  I just didn’t.

Later I would drink a bit more. I don’t think I had more than 4oz, but it was alcohol nonetheless. There was no buzz. I didn’t even feel that bad about it. But now, when I sit here thinking about what would have been my  four year sober-versary  on Friday, I think “Was that a relapse?” “if I don’t drink anything else, can I just keep counting my numbers?” and “I didn’t even feel anything and made the conscious effort not to drink anything else.. I can keep going, right?”

And this is the vortex in which I get caught. I still struggle to think that I had a problem in the first place. My dad almost died, and I had been drinking a good bit with my friends, and it seemed like a good place in my life to stop for a while and get my bearings. I never said it’d be forever, but I had no REAL idea what my plans were either.

There have been so many times I have admitted out loud that the only reason I was still going was because my daily number had grown so big, and that I’d let everyone else down. It wasn’t about me anymore. I mean, my Dad and I quit together. I had to keep doing it for him, right?

And it’s not like I had any grand plans for quitting drinking, or I want to run right out and get a bottle of wine, and this is where it gets so hard to explain and I don’t want to sound like I’m romanticizing, or rationalizing. I miss being able to have a glass of wine with dinner, or having a drink or two at a party. In my younger days it was all about BARS! I’m not there anymore.  I miss being able to do something I want to do. To make the decision for myself, and do it.  I honestly feel like I do it out of obligation at this point. I think of the plenty of times I went out and had two drinks and went home. I  could do it. It has a lot do with the people I was drinking with too. I feel like I talked myself into a bigger problem than I actually had to get people to respect my choice to be sober. That’s honestly what it comes down to. I feel burdened to a decision I made for myself 4 years ago.

On the other hand, my sobriety set me apart from everyone else. It seemed to earn me respect, and I latched onto that and it was the catalyst that kept everything going. I like feeling like I’m doing something good. It came at a good time in my life, and I finally got my shit together. A hard reset. Now I’m married with a daughter who is my entire world. Life is good, and I want nothing to change that.

I can’t take back anything I do from here on out. I feel like that tiny amount of alcohol brought me to where I am right now, in this moment. Thinking and wondering if I’m making a terrible decision.

Thus here I am at the crossroads baring my soul to a blog, and not quite sure what I am feeling in the grand scheme of things. I guess I can just live my life and see what comes across my lap and see how I react in that situation. I don’t know what else I can do.

 

 

 

 

3.5 Years Sober!

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When I try to think of words to describe the last 1,278 days of my life, I find that I’m not sure I have the capacity define it. Sobriety is honestly a feeling. It’s a permanence you live, breathe, and other times fight and question. A simple outing for one, can put up quite internal struggle for someone in sobriety. Periods of persuasive thoughts and raw emotion are par for the course, and it never quite seems to feel as simple as it should.  You have to be careful not to let your guard down. There are days that I feel quite content, and then on particularly hard and stressful days, I need a  hard reminder as to why I made this decision in the first place. I tend to overanalyze my “choice”, and in the process, painstakingly think about many of the unwise things I did, said, and felt during those days, and realize that it was not a choice as I like to try convince myself of, but a necessary transformation for the preservation of my character and wellbeing.

Recognizing the potential for a lifetime of struggle and disease, as well as making the choice to quit drinking was the most courageous decision I’ve ever made for myself. It’s something that I am humbly proud of. Cheers to three and a half years!

Absolutley NO motivation!

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If I have one left over characteristic from when I was drinking, it seems to be lack of motivation. I just cannot seem to get back any type of groove with keeping a routine. I can’t even be bothered to take simply vitamins every day that keep me feeling well! I do not understand it. They are just vitamins. Why is it so hard?

Because of my Hashimoto’s, I take Iron, Biotin, and Vitamin D. However, most of the time I simply fail to take them. I can only take one kind of iron and ran out of it a while ago. It’s expensive, and only comes with 30 pills. When it’s gone, and we don’t have a ton of money, I just go without it. I cannot do this! Without iron I start feeling headachy, weak, and my hair falls out. When I first got tested, my ferritin levels were under 10, which is freakishly low. I’ve always been anemic, but I just cannot get on a routine with taking them EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I seem to not make my health a priority, and this simply just won’t work any longer. I feel like a tub of lard these days. I sit on my ass 8 hours a day at my job, and while I can get up and move around whenever I like, I often don’t because, well, I’m supposed to be at my desk working! I go home, and  sit down to eat dinner. I keep making all these grand plans with my husband to have a daily chore, and we can’t even do that. Not once have we made it an entire week doing the chores we should be doing. I kind of feel like I’ve got no direction right now. I did a whole100 and ate so damn good. I saw so many positive things happen with my body, and my mindset, but I’m back to eating crap again, even though I know it’s not good for me. Sugar makes me feel awful. It makes my face break out, and appear for red and blotchy. Still, I can’t stop! I feel like I am not in control right now. It sounds kind of dramatic, but it’s true.

I miss running, but do not have the time to do it. It’s dark when I get off work now, and it’s not safe, and in the mornings I have my daughter  alone while my husband is at work. I can barely leave on time now, and don’t see how I can add running into the mix and still leave when I need too. Plus I will admit, I HATE running once it gets really cold and windy out. I say “I’m going to do an exercise DVD tonight!” and don’t. Ever.

What do you do when you are in a slump?  Any suggestions, or positive words to give me a kick in the pants?  I’m so frustrated..

Changes in the works for my Mind & Body…

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Oh blogging world, I really do miss/have missed you.

See, a sixteen month old little person leaves me no free time at all, but sometimes I realize just writing my own words down is quite important for me mentally.

So, anyone who still follows me should know that YES, I am still sober. It will be three and a half years in December. I am kind of just used to it now. It’s life. Occasionally I really think about how a glass of wine would be nice, but I’ve accepted that now it’s just a though. It’s just like many of the other mundane, weird thoughts I experience in a day. I feel like this blog kind of has me pigeonholed into writing about ONE thing and that’s honestly why I don’t come back sometimes. I am much more than my sobriety now, even though I didn’t feel like it when I started. Do people just have blogs to write these days? I feel like everything is always narrowed down to a category, and I never fit it. Story of my life, really.

I feel like now, I need to horn in on positive feelings, eating clean and healthy, and exercising. I am turning into a lump, or at least it feels like it. I miss the days I read poetry, felt inspired, and wrote all my own stuff as well. Technology has kind of stolen the creativity right from me. I want it back. I used to take photographs, read books, and just do a lot of stuff that I don’t now…

Back in May I started a Whole100. If you are familiar with the Whole30, it’s the same thing, just extended out for 100 days. I started it to try to relive issues with my Hashimoto’s and Underactive thyroid. It was a really great thing for me to do. I lost 7 lbs, my face cleared up, I lost a pants size, and all I had to do was eat healthy. By that I mean no junk at all. I rarely had fruit, no crappy oils, no preservatives.. just good healthy food. About 40 days after it ended, my family went to Walt Disney World for vacation, and everything pretty much came undone. Back to eating crappy food, I am feeling down on myself. The better I eat, the better I feel about myself. It really does make a difference. So, I’m going to come here and talk about whatever I want, but mostly how I’m doing day to day with my life, positivity, creativity, and working towards a better me!

Hope you all stick around.