3.5 Years Sober!


When I try to think of words to describe the last 1,278 days of my life, I find that I’m not sure I have the capacity define it. Sobriety is honestly a feeling. It’s a permanence you live, breathe, and other times fight and question. A simple outing for one, can put up quite internal struggle for someone in sobriety. Periods of persuasive thoughts and raw emotion are par for the course, and it never quite seems to feel as simple as it should.  You have to be careful not to let your guard down. There are days that I feel quite content, and then on particularly hard and stressful days, I need a  hard reminder as to why I made this decision in the first place. I tend to overanalyze my “choice”, and in the process, painstakingly think about many of the unwise things I did, said, and felt during those days, and realize that it was not a choice as I like to try convince myself of, but a necessary transformation for the preservation of my character and wellbeing.

Recognizing the potential for a lifetime of struggle and disease, as well as making the choice to quit drinking was the most courageous decision I’ve ever made for myself. It’s something that I am humbly proud of. Cheers to three and a half years!

Absolutley NO motivation!


If I have one left over characteristic from when I was drinking, it seems to be lack of motivation. I just cannot seem to get back any type of groove with keeping a routine. I can’t even be bothered to take simply vitamins every day that keep me feeling well! I do not understand it. They are just vitamins. Why is it so hard?

Because of my Hashimoto’s, I take Iron, Biotin, and Vitamin D. However, most of the time I simply fail to take them. I can only take one kind of iron and ran out of it a while ago. It’s expensive, and only comes with 30 pills. When it’s gone, and we don’t have a ton of money, I just go without it. I cannot do this! Without iron I start feeling headachy, weak, and my hair falls out. When I first got tested, my ferritin levels were under 10, which is freakishly low. I’ve always been anemic, but I just cannot get on a routine with taking them EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I seem to not make my health a priority, and this simply just won’t work any longer. I feel like a tub of lard these days. I sit on my ass 8 hours a day at my job, and while I can get up and move around whenever I like, I often don’t because, well, I’m supposed to be at my desk working! I go home, and  sit down to eat dinner. I keep making all these grand plans with my husband to have a daily chore, and we can’t even do that. Not once have we made it an entire week doing the chores we should be doing. I kind of feel like I’ve got no direction right now. I did a whole100 and ate so damn good. I saw so many positive things happen with my body, and my mindset, but I’m back to eating crap again, even though I know it’s not good for me. Sugar makes me feel awful. It makes my face break out, and appear for red and blotchy. Still, I can’t stop! I feel like I am not in control right now. It sounds kind of dramatic, but it’s true.

I miss running, but do not have the time to do it. It’s dark when I get off work now, and it’s not safe, and in the mornings I have my daughter  alone while my husband is at work. I can barely leave on time now, and don’t see how I can add running into the mix and still leave when I need too. Plus I will admit, I HATE running once it gets really cold and windy out. I say “I’m going to do an exercise DVD tonight!” and don’t. Ever.

What do you do when you are in a slump?  Any suggestions, or positive words to give me a kick in the pants?  I’m so frustrated..

Changes in the works for my Mind & Body…


Oh blogging world, I really do miss/have missed you.

See, a sixteen month old little person leaves me no free time at all, but sometimes I realize just writing my own words down is quite important for me mentally.

So, anyone who still follows me should know that YES, I am still sober. It will be three and a half years in December. I am kind of just used to it now. It’s life. Occasionally I really think about how a glass of wine would be nice, but I’ve accepted that now it’s just a though. It’s just like many of the other mundane, weird thoughts I experience in a day. I feel like this blog kind of has me pigeonholed into writing about ONE thing and that’s honestly why I don’t come back sometimes. I am much more than my sobriety now, even though I didn’t feel like it when I started. Do people just have blogs to write these days? I feel like everything is always narrowed down to a category, and I never fit it. Story of my life, really.

I feel like now, I need to horn in on positive feelings, eating clean and healthy, and exercising. I am turning into a lump, or at least it feels like it. I miss the days I read poetry, felt inspired, and wrote all my own stuff as well. Technology has kind of stolen the creativity right from me. I want it back. I used to take photographs, read books, and just do a lot of stuff that I don’t now…

Back in May I started a Whole100. If you are familiar with the Whole30, it’s the same thing, just extended out for 100 days. I started it to try to relive issues with my Hashimoto’s and Underactive thyroid. It was a really great thing for me to do. I lost 7 lbs, my face cleared up, I lost a pants size, and all I had to do was eat healthy. By that I mean no junk at all. I rarely had fruit, no crappy oils, no preservatives.. just good healthy food. About 40 days after it ended, my family went to Walt Disney World for vacation, and everything pretty much came undone. Back to eating crappy food, I am feeling down on myself. The better I eat, the better I feel about myself. It really does make a difference. So, I’m going to come here and talk about whatever I want, but mostly how I’m doing day to day with my life, positivity, creativity, and working towards a better me!

Hope you all stick around.

A much needed reminder….


I’ve been sober for almost 2.5 years now. 900 days tomorrow. Most of the time I do really well, and other days, I long for a drink I know I can’t have.

My daughter was born at the end of June and I’ve been extremely busy since then. I haven’t even really had time to think about anything other than being a Mommy to this amazing little girl.

I get these thoughts some days that “maybe I can drink again” and “maybe things would be different this time” and for the most part I ride the feelings like a wave, remembering and romanticizing alcohol at the crest, and by the time my wave gets to the shore, I jump off and run to the sand, remembering that “nope. Can’t do it”

This past weekend, while at a friend’s house, we were cooking a nice meal for Friendsgiving. We were all having a great time, laughing and being silly. Somehow, a conversation started about a time we all went out before I quit drinking. We were laughing about dumb stuff I said, and did. What shocked me was hearing that I vomited SEVERAL times in the bar bathroom like it was no big deal (I have a HORRIBLE vomit phobia) and came out and continued partying with everyone. I said to my friends “No. That didn’t happen!” and they assured me that “yes, it did”. I would sit for a minute, and repeat it, and they would assure me. I even said “Did anyone actually SEE me get sick?” and my friend said that she was in there with me. Wow…. It came like a punch to the gut. I must have completely blacked out, and forgotten this ever happened. I don’t even think I knew then that it was happening. It’s amazing what alcohol can do to your mind. It was just the reminder that I needed to assure that I’m working through my sobriety for a REASON.

Sometimes I feel like I’m floating along in sobriety just because I’ve already made it this far, and not because it’s for an actual reason. Sometimes I feel like my “number” is just that, and the only thing keeping me going is starting over at zero would be a real bummer. However, it occurred to me after this, THIS IS FOR SOMETHING. I have a daughter, and a husband and these things are not worth losing. I know that if I were still drinking, I probably wouldn’t have either of these things.

So, I’m thankful for that reminder. As hard as it was to hear, it was exactly WHAT I needed to hear.