There will always be a struggle…

Hello all. Checking in again. I’m not sure why blogging and checking my blog always seems like such a daunting task. I love reading all my posts from everyone, but I can never seem to find the time to log in.

What’s going on in my world? Well.. I ran my 7^th half marathon on Sunday 9/23. I was nervous about this race, and it turns out, it was for good reason. My personal worst race. It was even worse than my very first half marathon. I’m kind of bummed that all my races seem to be taking a downturn instead of improving.. what’s happening? Literally.. my times go like this:

1^st– 2:37

2^nd – 2:27

3^rd – 2:20

4^th– 2:18

5^th– 2:15 (PR)

6^th– 2:28 (ouch!!)

7^th– 2:46 (BIGGER OUCH!)

This course was described as “rolling hills” but it was more like “tortuous steep breath sucking small mountains” I literally couldn’t catch my breath before the next hill came again. I was walking by mile 2, which really upset me. I’m really big for trying not to walk AT ALL during a race. In my mind it means I’m failing. I’m not actually running.  There were some hills that hurt bad just to WALK up. I have no idea how anyone ran up them. The sucky thing about this race was it was just two loops. So the horrible hills you ran the first time, you ran again. I think I even shed a few “I’m in pain, what the hell was I thinking?” tears. It was so frustrating. The weather was gorgeous, but my lack of training made this my most miserable race to date. Ugh. Trying to pick my head up and aim on my next two races 10/13 and 10/21. I can’t possibly do this bad again, right??

Eating Paleo is going well. Everyone has something to say about it, but I’m doing what works for me. I’m cooking more now than I ever have. I hope to stick to it forever if possible!

I’m almost 4 months sober. I seem to be struggling more and more the longer time goes, but I know I won’t give in. I’m doing my best to take it day by day, but I’m still romanticizing my relationship with alcohol. I had fun! I laughed! And I had friends. Now, I hardly do anything. Still I have to think back to the times that brought me to the decision of KNOWING I had to quit drinking. Like blacking out in the middle of the afternoon about a year about when I moved into my apartment. Went down to the bar (about 100 yds from my house) and drank a bunch of beer on an empty stomach.. I woke up later thinking it was like 9pm only to be mind blown that it was almost 5am! I lost about 8 hours of time. I have no idea what happened, what I said, how I walked back ( I was with my boyfriend at the time, so I wasn’t alone) or if I even paid my tab! These moments are the scary, raw things that most people that drink “normally” don’t experience. Drinking stops becoming fun when every time you drink, you don’t remember anything. If you are blacking out every single time you drink, it’s time to stop. I have no doubt in my mind that if I kept drinking (or resume drinking) I’ll be a full blown alcoholic. That’s what will pop into my mind when I think I want to have “just one drink” sometime. I can’t DO IT. I just can’t.

Vacation, cravings, weight loss, paleo, & running

I guess it’s been awhile since I posted, huh?

First. Vacation was wonderful. As always, it went entirely too fast. I had an excellent time with my boyfriend, and family. I am always in a state of utter happiness when I am at the beach, so it couldn’t have been better. However, I struggled with cravings more than I ever have up until this point. I guess at 3.5 months (107 days today), the novelty of counting days has worn off, and reality is setting in.  Four of the six in our group drank every day on the beach. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to make me feel like I was being “left out” and to make me think that never drinking again is an overwhelming thought. I really wanted to visit some places that I love down there, but inevitably opted against it, because they were places I’d ALWAYS drank before, and I decided in my fragile craving state, it wouldn’t be a great idea. Instead, we played mini golf, went shopping, and even visited towns we might move to in a few years. The cravings passed once I had my mind on something else. I also spent a lot of time with my nephew, because following around a 2 year old left me with no time to mope around.

I was relieved to find out that I only gained 2lbs on vacation. This is much better than the 8 lbs that I’ve gained on previous vacations. This year was my first year going to the beach on my gluten free diet, so that probably had a lot to do with it. Not overloading on fried foods and fatty desserts was a GOOD thing.

In terms of being healthy, I’ve made the decision to go Paleo. I’ve been thinking about this for over a year now, and now that I have to eliminate a lot because of my celiac, I figure I might as well go for it. I haven’t been able to lose weight, and I’m tired of calorie counting. Paleo just seems like the right way to go. I’ve already gotten my fair share of shit about it, but it’s my body and I have the right to make the decision to eat in a healthy manner, not to mention all the great things I hear about it. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be a lot more preparation and cooking on my part, but that’s a good thing. I need to start being more handy in the cooking department. The only thing I worry about, is running.

I made the mistake in May of going on a LOW CARB diety thing before a half marathon. I totally bonked and did horrible because my body was not properly fueled. I know fruits and veggies have carbs, but I’m going to have to do a lot of reading about Paleo and long distance running. Either way, in just a day and a half, I already feel less bloated then I normally do. I can’t wait to see how this makes me feel long term. I have a half marathon this weekend (that I’m really am not prepared for) and two more in October. I really hope I’m more accustomed to it by then..

Vacation!

Having a great time. I will write soon. For now..some pictures. 102 days sober!

Learning to Cope

Hello readers.

Well my vacation is only 2 working days away (I’m not counting today, because it’s already half over) and I couldn’t be more excited. I really need a break from reality. I need a break from work, and the boredom I’ve been living because I’m too damn broke to do anything. Since I’ve quit drinking my creative juices have started flowing.. the only bad thing? There is no money flowing to keep up with my ideas. I’m restless, bored, and I’m just so glad a REAL 7 day vacation is lingering just around the corner. I need it badly.

I’ve come to realize another reason why I drank. Money problems. While this doesn’t make sense  to most (how can you drink if you have no money?), it just clicked for me. I’ve been so stressed out by my financial state for years. I make less than $24,000 a year. I live paycheck to paycheck, and can never really buy nice things for myself. This is freaking depressing. I live to work, and work to live. Drinking was how I coped with falling down the big black hole of debt. I have medical bills I’ve been paying for over a year and I’m STILL paying on them. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even check the mailbox anymore. In fact, I have one bill I just never paid, and it stopped coming to me. This is my personality flaw. When I don’t want to deal with something, I just shut off from it, and I know it’s wrong. Drinking made me forget that it was wrong. Now that I’m not drinking, it’s not as easy to ignore my bills and I’m finally adding shit up, and I’m in a lot of debt. Last night I couldn’t even sleep. I can’t turn my brain off. So much I need to do to make a better life for myself.

I’ve shredded both of my credit cards and decided that once I pay off all my debt (minus the car) I’m finally moving out of this town that I hate so much. Once that debt is gone, I’m really leaving, and that is my incentive to stop spending money I don’t have and finally pay off these stupid bills. My dream has always been to live in the south, preferably near the beach. My family has come across Georgetown, SC. It’s perfect. It’s my dream. So I am doing it. No excuses. I am leaving MD, and heading to the south, and I’m never looking back.

So basically what it comes down to, is that I have a shitty coping mechanism, and rather than dealing with ANYTHING that came my way, I took the easy way out by drinking. Now.. it’s time to deal with things.