Vacation, cravings, weight loss, paleo, & running

I guess it’s been awhile since I posted, huh?

First. Vacation was wonderful. As always, it went entirely too fast. I had an excellent time with my boyfriend, and family. I am always in a state of utter happiness when I am at the beach, so it couldn’t have been better. However, I struggled with cravings more than I ever have up until this point. I guess at 3.5 months (107 days today), the novelty of counting days has worn off, and reality is setting in.  Four of the six in our group drank every day on the beach. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to make me feel like I was being “left out” and to make me think that never drinking again is an overwhelming thought. I really wanted to visit some places that I love down there, but inevitably opted against it, because they were places I’d ALWAYS drank before, and I decided in my fragile craving state, it wouldn’t be a great idea. Instead, we played mini golf, went shopping, and even visited towns we might move to in a few years. The cravings passed once I had my mind on something else. I also spent a lot of time with my nephew, because following around a 2 year old left me with no time to mope around.

I was relieved to find out that I only gained 2lbs on vacation. This is much better than the 8 lbs that I’ve gained on previous vacations. This year was my first year going to the beach on my gluten free diet, so that probably had a lot to do with it. Not overloading on fried foods and fatty desserts was a GOOD thing.

In terms of being healthy, I’ve made the decision to go Paleo. I’ve been thinking about this for over a year now, and now that I have to eliminate a lot because of my celiac, I figure I might as well go for it. I haven’t been able to lose weight, and I’m tired of calorie counting. Paleo just seems like the right way to go. I’ve already gotten my fair share of shit about it, but it’s my body and I have the right to make the decision to eat in a healthy manner, not to mention all the great things I hear about it. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be a lot more preparation and cooking on my part, but that’s a good thing. I need to start being more handy in the cooking department. The only thing I worry about, is running.

I made the mistake in May of going on a LOW CARB diety thing before a half marathon. I totally bonked and did horrible because my body was not properly fueled. I know fruits and veggies have carbs, but I’m going to have to do a lot of reading about Paleo and long distance running. Either way, in just a day and a half, I already feel less bloated then I normally do. I can’t wait to see how this makes me feel long term. I have a half marathon this weekend (that I’m really am not prepared for) and two more in October. I really hope I’m more accustomed to it by then..

37 Days of Clarity

37 days sober today.

 I’d say I’m doing pretty good. I have almost zero desire to drink, but I think that’s because I treat my drinking like my Celiac Disease. If I have a drink, It’s going to hurt me, which in a sense, is not false. I simply remind myself that I can’t drink. I’m realizing in my sober time how much time was wasted in my drinking. The many nights sitting at bars talking to people I didn’t know in some drunken stupor. Waiting around to talk to people who only shared one common interest. Drinking. Then there were the friends who only exist because I met them at a bar. We’ve never done anything that wasn’t focused around alcohol. At first, I was really upset at the loss of these people, but I realized that I don’t even really know them. Or really like them for that matter. I want friends who want to go hiking, take a day drip to DC, or simply go shopping with. I never had this as a young adult, so I did what everyone else did.. go out to bars.

 I still keep finding myself searching for the reason that I can’t seem to drink like others. I’m not sure why really, because I know I can’t change it. Still, I’m intrigued. I’m on a recovery message board for support and a lot of people had horrible things happen to them to make them drink, but I didn’t. I can’t find any reason except my alcoholic father that I didn’t even know until I was 22. Although I’m rebuilding a relationship with him now, his absence really played a big part into who I am today. I never trust men. I expect them to take off because that’s what my father did. So what did I do? I’d find any reason to break it off first.. to prevent being hurt, from getting close to anyone. I have horrible self-esteem. When I drank, I became a social butterfly, and I felt better about myself. I had “friends” for the first time in my life. However, it seemed my weekends started on Thursday night and I’d spend the next day hungover and hating life while I was at work because I didn’t get home until 3AM. It became apparent to me after that I needed to stop. Here I am.

 My dad got out of Rehab on 7/6. The next day I went to his mother’s house where he is staying, to go swimming and have a cookout. I was appalled to see that his mother and her sister were drinking beer. I know it’s not her problem her son has been an alcoholic for the past 30+ years, but you think she’d be a little more conscious about how her drinking might affect my dad! She must have asked my boyfriend at least 15 times if he wanted a beer. He politely declined each and every time. When she asked if I wanted a beer I told her “Oh, I quit drinking too” to which she responded “Oh. I didn’t know you drank that much” I really wanted to reply back that she really didn’t know a damn thing about me because even though my father wasn’t in my life, she chose not to be either, even though she lived in the same town as me my entire life. This is the woman that when I called her for the first time a few years ago trying to contact my dad, warned me over and over again that he was a liar and an alcoholic. She can’t even stop herself from drinking some beers a DAY after her son gets out of Rehab. What an example she is! I really hope that he can stay strong living there. It’s not really the best environment for him right now.

 

Day by day…