There will always be a struggle…

Hello all. Checking in again. I’m not sure why blogging and checking my blog always seems like such a daunting task. I love reading all my posts from everyone, but I can never seem to find the time to log in.

What’s going on in my world? Well.. I ran my 7^th half marathon on Sunday 9/23. I was nervous about this race, and it turns out, it was for good reason. My personal worst race. It was even worse than my very first half marathon. I’m kind of bummed that all my races seem to be taking a downturn instead of improving.. what’s happening? Literally.. my times go like this:

1^st– 2:37

2^nd – 2:27

3^rd – 2:20

4^th– 2:18

5^th– 2:15 (PR)

6^th– 2:28 (ouch!!)

7^th– 2:46 (BIGGER OUCH!)

This course was described as “rolling hills” but it was more like “tortuous steep breath sucking small mountains” I literally couldn’t catch my breath before the next hill came again. I was walking by mile 2, which really upset me. I’m really big for trying not to walk AT ALL during a race. In my mind it means I’m failing. I’m not actually running.  There were some hills that hurt bad just to WALK up. I have no idea how anyone ran up them. The sucky thing about this race was it was just two loops. So the horrible hills you ran the first time, you ran again. I think I even shed a few “I’m in pain, what the hell was I thinking?” tears. It was so frustrating. The weather was gorgeous, but my lack of training made this my most miserable race to date. Ugh. Trying to pick my head up and aim on my next two races 10/13 and 10/21. I can’t possibly do this bad again, right??

Eating Paleo is going well. Everyone has something to say about it, but I’m doing what works for me. I’m cooking more now than I ever have. I hope to stick to it forever if possible!

I’m almost 4 months sober. I seem to be struggling more and more the longer time goes, but I know I won’t give in. I’m doing my best to take it day by day, but I’m still romanticizing my relationship with alcohol. I had fun! I laughed! And I had friends. Now, I hardly do anything. Still I have to think back to the times that brought me to the decision of KNOWING I had to quit drinking. Like blacking out in the middle of the afternoon about a year about when I moved into my apartment. Went down to the bar (about 100 yds from my house) and drank a bunch of beer on an empty stomach.. I woke up later thinking it was like 9pm only to be mind blown that it was almost 5am! I lost about 8 hours of time. I have no idea what happened, what I said, how I walked back ( I was with my boyfriend at the time, so I wasn’t alone) or if I even paid my tab! These moments are the scary, raw things that most people that drink “normally” don’t experience. Drinking stops becoming fun when every time you drink, you don’t remember anything. If you are blacking out every single time you drink, it’s time to stop. I have no doubt in my mind that if I kept drinking (or resume drinking) I’ll be a full blown alcoholic. That’s what will pop into my mind when I think I want to have “just one drink” sometime. I can’t DO IT. I just can’t.

2 months..60 days..And a lot of change.

Today I am 60 days sober. I really don’t think before 60 days ago, I ever thought about a life without alcohol. The day I saw my dad in the hospital after his nearly fatal binge, I could feel it in my bones. This was MY sign. I could never drink again. I knew, that if I didn’t stop, I would end up like him, with nothing. That was my first sober day, and here I am 60 days later still sober.

 A few days ago I was thinking back to when I was younger. Each time I think about it, more and more pops out to me just how bad I was. There were things my Mother, whom I tell EVERYTHING, didn’t know. They aren’t what you probably thinking, instead, they were the times I woke up in the morning with a completely empty memory covered in my own vomit. The times I had to crawl to the bathroom and lay in the bottom of the shower because I was so sick I couldn’t even stand up. These are times I could have DIED.

I just recently remembered a time when I was underage and I went to a cookie baking party with a bunch of people I worked with at the time, who were in the 30’s and 40’s. I drank a particularly strong rum on the rocks. Everyone else stared at the 19 year old girl drinking like a 50 year old, and went on about how strong the rum was. I kept my cool that day, and never got out of hand, but when I got back to my friend’s house I rode with, I promptly passed out on his living room floor. I woke up to his foot on my back telling me I had to leave. I knew I couldn’t go home. I called someone and asked them if I could come there until I was sober. How in the hell did I think this was normal???

Luckily I was smart enough to come to my senses. I’ve already grown so much in these 60 days. I’m less anxious, less angry, and more attentive. I really never knew the horrible side effects I was building up with drinking. Oddly enough, today.. day 60 I had my first really bad cravings. I’ve been having a horrible stressful past 3 weeks at work. Without getting into it, I’m expected to be a miracle worker, and I’m doing horribly with dealing with the stress. It occurred to me today that alcohol was indeed how i dealt with stress. My thoughts went immediately to “I need a drink” and I nearly had a panic attack. It took awhile, but with the help of my support group on twitter, and my boyfriend, I came down and made it without drinking. I burned off most of my steam on a nice but humid 4 mile run. I then treated myself to a nice dinner and some ice cream. I made it. Whew…

Pushing on…